


shine bright, burn bright (blind my sight)

by Seito



Series: love is a poison (so take a deep breath) [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, Uncle-Nephew Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-24 19:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17710169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seito/pseuds/Seito
Summary: When it came to emotions, Ignis could admit, he was not an expert at them. Despite his often cool exterior (as so many people often belittled and mocked him for) Ignis felt emotions too keenly, so deep, so explosive that half the time pretending to be cold was the only way to keep control, less he fly off the handle and do something he would regret later down the road.And in a society where Hanahaki disease plagued the land, it was a frequent intrusive thought of Ignis’ that he would most likely one day fall to it.Instead though, it seemed Ignis was doomed to forever watch his love ones get Hanahaki.And for better or worse, he was never the cause of it.





	1. Chapter 1

When it came to emotions, Ignis could admit, he was not an expert at them. Despite his often cool exterior (as so many people often belittled and mocked him for) Ignis felt emotions too keenly, so deep, so explosive that half the time pretending to be cold was the only way to keep control, less he fly off the handle and do something he would regret later down the road. 

And in a society where Hanahaki disease plagued the land, it was a frequent intrusive thought of Ignis’ that he would most likely one day fall to it. 

(Perhaps that was why he held everyone he didn't know at arm's length and those he treasured, he was in Noctis’ own words, fussy and overbearing.) 

Instead though, it seemed Ignis was doomed to forever watch his love ones get Hanahaki. 

And for better or worse, he was never the cause of it. 

-.-.-

He didn't like to admit it, especially to his uncle, but he didn't exactly remember his parents. A fuzzy recollection, sure, reinforced by the pictures they had around their modest house. He had the faintest of memories of his mother reading, his father cooking in the kitchen and he stubbornly clung to those memories. But honestly, they faded with every passing day. 

And Ignis by the time he turned nine, those memories had mostly vanished. 

So to nine year old Ignis, Uncle Renatus was his entire guiding light. Noctis was his best friend and the world was still too big and just waiting to be explored. 

-.-.-

There were flower petals. A crimson red, soft and silky to the touch. 

He wasn't sure when he noticed them, but they were there. It was like a game of hide and go seek! Ignis would find a petal or two in the book he read, under the couch, in the sink, or mixed in the clothes. 

Perhaps they were Amaryllis petals? It was their family crest after all. But no, couldn't be. They were the wrong shape. 

Sometimes Ignis would find purple petals too! 

Ignis quietly collected them all, pressed them into the pages of his book. They were pretty things. 

-.-.-

His uncle wasn't old. And Ignis wasn't that active of a child. Plus playing with Noct everyday meant Ignis was getting more than enough exercise. So Ignis hardly mind that the time he spent with his uncle slowly switched from games of hide and go seek, to storytelling where Ignis would practice his reading, from games of tag and make believe to frosting cookies that he would share with Noct. 

Ignis could say he was content. Like a cat curled up in a warm sunbeam, he carried on with life, happy and heart bursting with love. 

-.-.-

It was less of a game now. Ignis was finding more petals, easily now. He was almost disappointed to be honest. 

But the question did raise, where were the petals coming from? 

They were pretty petals, never seeming to wilt. Ignis knew. He checked the ones he pressed and they still looked like they had freshly fallen despite it being months since he first found them. 

Ignis furrowed his brows. He was going to turn ten soon and still there so much he didn't know, didn't understand. 

They were flower petals, but they kept no flowers in the house. The few that grew sparingly in the garden didn't match it either. So where? 

“Uncle?” Ignis asked, because Uncle Renatus was so smart, he had to know. “Where are these flower petals coming from? I keep finding them around the house?” 

Uncle Renatus smiled gently at Ignis. “Perhaps it is a magical flower fairy?” 

“Uncle!” 

Uncle Renatus laughed. “Don't worry about it, Ignis.” 

Ignis huffed. Maybe it was one of those mysteries that would make sense when he was older. 

-.-.-

‘Older’ came too soon. Innocence was the price to pay for ignorance and secrets have their own way to worming out into the light. 

“Do you want to make cookies today?” Uncle Renatus asked.

Ignis lit up, beaming. “Yes please!” 

Uncle Renatus laughed, pulling out the flour. “Why don’t you get the mixing bowls then,” he said. 

Ignis scrambled for the stool, climbing up to reach for the bowls when-

CRASH!

Ignis turned; flour exploding everywhere. Red and purple petals danced among the powdery white. The coppery scent of blood spilling. There on the light blue tile of their floor, Renatus collapsed, blood and petals spilling from his lips.

“Uncle!!” 

-.-.-

_“Lord Scientia-”_

_“Who could-”_

_“-Stage 4, surgery is the only-”_

Ignis was ten and a half and the hospital wing in the Citadel was cold and imposing. All around him, doctors and nurses rushed. They had taken Uncle Renatus away and Ignis found himself shuffled around and lost in the crowd. 

“Ignis.” 

Ignis looked up to see King Regis smiling down at him. “Your Majesty,” Ignis said. 

“How are you holding up, Ignis?” King Regis asked, taking a seat next to him. 

Tears burned in his eyes. Ignis didn’t _understand_. No one was telling him anything. Uncle Renatus hadn’t come back yet. Ignis was old enough, smart enough to understand that there was something very, very, very, wrong and _no one was_ _telling him_. 

Ignis was scared. Ignis was angry. Ignis wanted his uncle, the only family he had left in entire world to come back. 

~~(What if he didn’t come back?)~~

~~(What was Ignis supposed to do?)~~

“Ignis,” King Regis said, guiding Ignis back to solid ground. “How long has your uncle been coughing up flower petals?” 

_Coughing_ up flowers petals? Those flower petals that Ignis kept finding, his Uncle was coughing up them up?! 

“Breathe Ignis,” King Regis said gently, rubbing small circles in his back. 

Ignis took a deep breath, tears streaking down his face. 

“Your uncle has a disease called Hanahaki,” Regis explained gently. “When you fall in love with someone and they don’t return your love, sometimes flowers grow in your lungs. And if left unchecked, it fills up the lungs until they can’t breathe anymore.”

Couldn’t breathe? Didn’t return their love? 

“Was it me?” Ignis whispered, choking out the words. 

He loved his uncle. Uncle Renatus took him in after his parents died, told Ignis silly puns to make him laugh, read him stories, caught him how to cook and back, and always knew the answer to all of Ignis’ questions. Uncle Renatus was the reason why he met King Regis and Noct, was the reason why Ignis knew how to tie his shoelaces, was the reason why Ignis was happy and loved. 

“Heavens no,” King Regis said. “We’re very sure you didn’t cause Renatus’ Hanahaki, Ignis.” 

“I’ve been finding flower petals for over a year and half,” Ignis said miserably. 

His uncle had been sick all that time? Ignis never even _**noticed**_. 

“He’ll be fine, Ignis,” King Regis said. “They’re removing the flowers from his lungs now.” 

Ignis hiccuped. “He’ll be okay?” 

King Regis scooped him into a tight hug. “He’ll be okay, Ignis,” he reassured him. “Would you like stay with Noct? It’s very late, and I know you want to wait for Renatus, but it’s going to be a long while more.” 

Ignis nodded, throat too tight to say anything. His emotions a blurry mess, overwhelming. Everything was too much, he trembled under the weight of it all. He just wanted things to go back to normal.

King Regis carried him out the hospital wing, all the way to Noct’s bedroom. Noct was sound asleep, and Ignis let himself be tucked next to Noctis, slowly drifting into an turbulent rest. 

-.-.-

“Iggy!” 

For once, Ignis woke in a grumpy foul mood. He groaned, sitting up, barely paying attention to Noct. 

Then yesterday’s events slammed into him. Uncle Renatus! Was he alright?! 

Noct tilted his head. “How did you get here?” he asked. 

“Your dad brought me,” Ignis said. 

“Oh. Dad was here?” Noctis said.

Ignis nodded, distracted. Should he go back to the hospital wing? He didn’t really know how to get there though. The Citadel was pretty big. Was King Regis coming back? 

“Do you wanna play?” Noct asked.

Ignis shook his head. “Sorry, Noct.” He wasn’t in the mood to play, too worried about his uncle. 

“Oh. It’s okay.” 

-.-.-

Uncle Renatus didn’t come back. 

Not really. 

Ignis felt grief grip his heart, squeezing it tight. That man looked like Uncle Renatus, spoke like him, acted like him. But he was not Uncle Renatus. 

“Uncle?” Ignis asked, standing on his tips of his toes, trying to see over the bed rails at his uncle. 

Those green eyes that used to look at Ignis so warmly, so fondly at him, blinked confused. His brow furrowed, in deep thought. “I-Ignis. You’re Ignis,” Uncle Renatus said. 

_“-doesn’t remember-”_

_“-went wrong?”_

_“-lost so many memories-”_

_“Surgery was routine-”_

“Yes Uncle,” Ignis said dutifully. His heart pounded, wondering why his uncle didn’t remember him. 

“Where are your parents?” Uncle Renatus asked. 

Oh. “They’ve been gone for six years,” Ignis said quietly. “I’ve been living with you.” 

“I’m sorry, Ignis,” Uncle Renatus said.

“It’s okay if you don’t remember Uncle,” Ignis said. 

It wasn’t. 

But it wasn’t like Ignis remembered his parents either. 

-.-.-

Uncle Renatus’ memories never returned.

Ignis found book after book on Hanahaki, stumbling over the big medical terms, trying to understand. He read and read and asked and asked, question after question. No one was like Uncle Renatus, they didn’t answer his question or couldn’t. The magic of Hanahaki was something they just barely understood. 

All Ignis knew was when they removed the flowers from his uncle’s lungs, they took the memories of the one causing the flowers with it. But why his Uncle had lost so many memories, no one understood. 

Eventually, Uncle Renatus was released from the hospital wing and returned home. 

And Ignis tried, he did. 

(Looking back, in hindsight, it was probably the start of his mother henning.) 

Uncle Renatus drifted. When it came to his job, his mind was still like a steel trap, able to sprout tactics and strategies at the drop of a hat. But he didn’t always remember Ignis. Or rather he remembered Ignis, but didn’t, couldn’t, make the connection that Ignis was his nephew. 

Gone were the stories of Ignis’ parents. Ignis slowly and quietly put away the pictures of his parents after he caught Uncle Renatus frowning at them, struggling to remember who they were. 

Gone were the baking lessons. Ignis taught them to himself and tried not to think bitterly of the lost sugar cookie recipe that his uncle once promised to teach him, a family recipe passed down from his grandmother’s side. 

“I’m sorry, Ignis,” Uncle Renatus said, on one of his good days. “This is hardly fair to you.” 

“It’s okay, Uncle,” Ignis said. 

It wasn’t. 

But Ignis would take a bruised achy heart and a uncle who didn’t always remember him, over an empty hollowness and lost of his last family member. 

He promised himself he would do better. Love was finkley and troublesome, a double edge blade. He would be careful with his heart and the way he treated others’ hearts. 

-.-.-

Three months later, Ignis found Noct coughing up flower petals. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Ignis breathe,” Gladio said. 

Ignis felt his iron control snap, crumbling. “Prompto doesn’t believe we consider him a friend!” 

Anger surged in his veins, growling and roaring. He was angry at Prompto for never saying anything, angry that Noctis who spent the most time with Prompto never noticed, angry that _**he**_ never noticed. 

Suddenly the memory of Uncle Renatus, of Noct so small and tiny, overlapped Prompto in the hospital bed and that anger fizzled, turning in guilt and consuming. 

Ignis leaned back, hitting the wall and sliding down to the ground as his knees gave out. He bowed his head, trembling. Not again. Not this again. 

“Hey,” Gladio said, crouching down next to him. “Prompto is a fighter. We’ll get through to him. If not-”

“Surgery isn’t a perfect answer,” Ignis snapped. 

“Relax Iggy,” Gladio said. “I know this is the second time-” 

“Third,” Ignis said. 

“Shit Iggy.” 

Ignis let loose a bitter laugh, running a hand through his hand, tears blurring in his eyes. He shook, overwhelmed by his drowning emotions. Guilt gnawed, anger pulsed, exhaustion and frustration warred. 

“Gladio, if you ever get Hanahaki, I’m going to punch you,” Ignis said. 

“...”

“Gladio,” Ignis half pleaded, half demanded. Please tell him that Gladio didn’t have Hanahaki. Ignis wasn’t sure how he would handle it if Gladio, the last person Ignis considered to be close enough to in his life, had Hanahaki. 

“I supposed now is as good as ever to tell you that my family is prone to Hanahaki,” Gladio said softly. 

Ignis let out a strangled sound. 

“There’s a reason why I didn’t meet you and Noct until I was sixteen,” Gladio said. “Especially Noct. Shields are loyal to their king and that kind of devotion is a dangerous path to walk in a world where love can cause flowers to bloom in your lungs.” 

Oh Astrals. Of course. Ignis hadn’t even considered it from that angle. 

“Yeah, so there’s a history of Hanahaki in my family line,” Gladio said. “Family been kinda split down the line whether it’s a good thing or not. On one hand, a lung full of flowers for their King is a sign of our devotion. On the other hand, it kills us.” 

Ignis squeezed his eyes shut, trying to breath. Hysteria was bubbling and all Ignis could do was ride out the storm. 

“Can I ask…?” Gladio started. 

“Uncle Renatus,” Ignis said. 

“Shit, Iggy. I’m sorry,” Gladio said, wincing. 

“It’s fine,” Ignis said. 

It wasn’t. 

It still wasn’t. 

“He didn’t anyways have memory issues when it comes to me,” Ignis said. “He can’t remember my parents most days. And more often than not, he remembers Ignis, the boy who lives with him instead of Ignis, his nephew.”

Ignis swallowed hard. It had been so long, almost eight years and still the grief rubbed Ignis raw. “It’s how I know surgery isn’t perfect. It took so many of his memories. No one understands why.” 

No matter how hard Ignis researched, no one could tell him why his uncle lost so many of his memories. Most wrote it off as an anomaly, a stroke of bad luck. No one even knew who his uncle had fallen in love with, none of his close friends knew and Ignis certainly hadn’t noticed. 

And it wasn’t like Uncle Renatus remembered at this point. 

“Then we better make sure Prompto knows and believes that we consider him our friend,” Gladio said. 

Ignis mustered a small smile. “Right. Thank you, Gladio.”

-.-.-

Here was what Renatus wouldn’t tell Ignis, couldn’t really. 

When Renatus twenty seven, he met a lovely woman in bookstore by the name of Arrisi. She had a lovely smile, a quick wit Renatus appreciated and good recommendation for a new book. Renatus was smitten, almost dangerously so. 

“There you are, Renatus! Finally emerging from your book lair,” Arsus said. 

“You make me sound like a dragon,” Renatus said. “Besides, you promised to finally introduce me to your lovely bride to be.” 

Arsus grinned, smiling bright. “Right! It’s about time you meet her. Arrisi! Come meet my big brother.” 

Renatus felt his heart drop and shattered as Arrisi, the lovely woman from the bookstore, stepped into the room. 

He swallowed hard and did his best to smile. “So you’re the lovely woman my little brother cannot stop talking about.” 

Arrisi laughed. “I had no idea you were Arsus’ brother.” 

“Unfortunately,” Renatus said dryly. 

It felt like he was swallowing thorns. 

-.-.-

Renatus tried, he did. He tried to kill his feelings for Arrisi. He was happy for them. He was. Truly. Honestly. He helped with the wedding, prepared the best presents. He clapped the loudest at their wedding, stood by patiently when they welcomed Ignis into the world not even a year after their marriage. 

He tried. 

And when the Ignis was four and Renatus found himself coughing up flower petals for the first time, he knew he was too far gone. 

So he did the logical thing. He confessed and started planning a doctor's appointment. 

A straight out rejection stunted the growth of Hanahaki. It sometimes even reversed it, causing the flowers to wilt. The bitter of reality, shown in the sharp pieces of truth. 

But Hanahaki was an emotional disease that never ran in straight lines. Renatus miscalculated, badly. 

When he pulled Arrisi closed, in a hug too tight, too tender, whispering the secret of his love in her ear because that was the loudest he dared go speak it. Fate and destiny so cruel, Renatus had done that just Arsus walked through the door. 

Like a soap opera on television, Renatus got the glimpse of the way his younger brother's face twisted with anger. 

“I see how it is,” Arsus said. He gave them no chance to explain, turning and leaving.

“Arsus! Wait!” Arrisi shouted after her husband. She glanced back at Renatus, horror written all over her face. “Renatus, how could you?” 

She chased after Arsus and Renatus stunned speechless, chased after them both. 

It had been storming that night, dark and wet. Water drops, cold nipping on their heels. Words were shouted, tears falling as Arsus and Arrisi argued. Renatus following after them, chest burning and wheezing, petals falling from his lips. 

None of them saw the car. The roads too slick to stop in time. And like a slow motion, Renatus watched from the sidelines as the car hit them both. The graceful, brutal arc as they fell, the blood that spilling across the ground, rain washing it away. 

And four year old Ignis slept back in the house, completely unaware. 

-.-.-

Renatus loved his nephew. He knew Ignis loved him back. 

He was so, so, so proud of Ignis. The way he tackled his problems, Ignis’ sharp mind and quick wit. The way Ignis found joy in books, eager to learn, always willing to listen. Ignis was growing up well and Renatus was happy to be there to witness it.

But…

But Renatus buried Arsus and Arrisi. Surely, Arsus must hate him, for robbing him of this chance go watch his son grow. Surely, Arrisi must be weeping as Ignis forgot his parents with each passing year. Renatus tried. He fed Ignis stories of his parents, kept the walls of their house lined with their pictures. But recollection continue to fade from Ignis’ eyes. It was not his fault, he had been so young. It was Renatus’ fault for robbing Ignis of his parents. 

That guilt sat and fostered and ebbed away at a truth Renatus knew deep in his heart. 

Straight out rejection stunted the growth of Hanahaki. But without acceptance, Hanahaki would still continue its growth. Guilt and forgiveness, so intertwined, to forgive out of love, to regret because of love. Sometimes those two ebb and ate.

Renatus didn't even realize that a second flower started to bloom in his lungs. 

Roses and Heliotropes were the flowers growing in Renatus’ chest. 

Roses and thorns, for his unrequited love for Arrisi. Over ten years old and so heavy.

Heliotropes, a flower of loyalty and faith, for Renatus’ perceived lost of brotherhood, the betrayal he laid at Arsus’ feet. A lifetime of bonds and memories. 

The surgery went perfectly well for Renatus. It did exactly as it was supposed to. Nothing went wrong, no matter how many questions Ignis asked, no matter how many examinations the doctors had done. 

But for Renatus, those memories were written into the very fiber of his being. If it was just his love for Arrisi, the lost of memories would have been manageable. But his memories of Arsus… they were brothers and never far apart, especially growing up. “Big brother” was a title equally important to him as “Adviser”, an identity tied to Renatus’ self. The surgery robbed Renatus of all his memories of his brother, from childhood and up.

And if Renatus couldn't remember Arsus, his baby brother, if he couldn't remember Arrisi, so wonderful, then how could he remember their son, his nephew?

How could he remember Ignis? 

And the truth was, he couldn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes there's no perfect solution.   
> Sometimes guilt weighs heavier than love.  
> Sometimes learning to forgive yourself is the hardest thing you can do. 
> 
> *pats Iggy* 
> 
> Please leave a review on your way out :D

**Author's Note:**

> This universe woke up the other day and decided to slap me across the face. So here I am, writing more of this AU. 
> 
> Please leave a review on your way out :D


End file.
